| wants to write |
[18 May 2008|10:02pm] |
but has no time/energy. maybe tomorrow.
for reference:
big brown.
week @ barn whilst boss was away.
actually hanging out with my friends.
my horse trying to kill me/my horse not succeeding.
breed show @ coliseum.
Molly has been gone one month.
gas turned off.
bought some flowers and actually did some yardwork (in the front at least) so my house looks inhabited and sort of cute for the craphole it is.
the cute thing Frankie did when I was sad.
the sadness.
me being passive/aggressive about/to a boy; no result as yet. date for wednesday :D
food babies at CiCi's with Sharon today.
cute dresses I bought.
one thing I do want to say really quickly, is Ali, I got your card. I can't tell you how happy/sad it made me. It came just a day after it had been a month since we lost Molly (that sounded awkward but you get it... right?) I cried, but it wasn't bad. It was a good cry. I read and laughed at Blemie's will/testament. It was just what I needed. I think of her all the time, still tell her goodnight and pet her picture and her urn before I go to bed. I still feel a hole in my heart, but I know she is better now, and that it was right. Thank you so much for saying everything the best way. <3
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[17 May 2008|06:45pm] |
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Blah @ big brown.
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| awww! |
[12 May 2008|06:16pm] |
Frankie won the ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) petbulls theme week!
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| uhm ew? |
[11 May 2008|11:33pm] |
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Jimmy fallon is going to replace conan on late night? epic fail.
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[11 May 2008|06:57pm] |
am in a piss poor, crabby, crap ass mood today. No idea why, other than tiny inklings which shouldn't matter.
Still. Crabby. I should bite someone today and leave a mark.
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| lulz |
[09 May 2008|01:20pm] |
weird.
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| extra extra |
[08 May 2008|10:28pm] |
I have a big fat crush on a (different from the last time) okcupid guy. This guy... grew up on a grain farm in Illi. How fucking cute is that? We've emailed back and forth a few times now. He didn't reply to my last email of... I dunno, three days ago? Whatevs, wasn't sweating it. And last night sent this email saying that he does mean to really reply to the email but he got held up helping his dad at the farm (!) (he's visiting for the week) till really late 'cause the weather looked bad - and that he was coming back into town today or tomorrow and would write for real then. Too cute. I dunno, he is just nice and normal, it seems. But if he meets me he won't like me, hahahaha. Ha. For real. Anyway I think I'd like to meet but will let him bring it up. I haven't met a boy from online since well before Nate, back when I was younger and slightly stupider. But it is nice to have someone with a penis be nice to me. After my disastrous episodes with Nate, Dobie, and then Kris, I'm ready for some male niceness and I think I deserve it. Even if it is just online.
I honest to honest honest god love Ace of Cakes. I'm going to marry all the boys and girls on the show. And then the cakes, of course.
I had more to say but magically forgot it. Must be getting old. Am getting old.
There were ten thousand people in and out of the barn today, it made doing stalls quite annoying. A couple people were asking about lessons and I refer them to Chris normally but he's not here, so I had to show them around and give them as much info as I could. Then a girl who has lessons normally on Thursday showed up for her lesson with her dad, since they assumed the lesson was still on, but it was not, since, y'know, trainer = in another state. Then Smokey's new lease-mom (I hesitate to call her that since she's like 18 or something, maybe younger) came and needed help with the new polos she bought... I'm not hot at those anymore, when I worked at the GPHC I was hot shit at them 'cause we wrapped every pony/horse for every lesson basically, but here we usually use splint boots or SMBs or somesuch. But I ended up doing okay :) Not beautiful but not ugly. And definitely effectively supportive! I also fixed the piss trench in Smokey's stall (there is a gap between the mats, RIGHT where the beast pisses, and so it always collects there with shavings and is a bitch and a half to clean out every day.) I struggled with the ute knife and mat scraps till I got three pieces to fit it exactly. There is still a small gap of about 3-4 inches at the very end that isn't covered, but he pours out mostly in the middle, and that part is golden. I was so proud of myself, I made Emigh (Smokey's current/soon-to-be-former lease-mom) and Ann (new lease-mom) look... they were not as enthralled as I was. Huh. Shavings got dropped off today, hooray. Never realized how freaking much we spend on those bags. Eeep.
I have the driest hands in the history of the planet. I need a spa day. I need a day off!
I want presents, too. Bah. Needy today. Sorry. :(
Am cold, so I put on my hoodie. The next appropriate course of action is to get ice cream, correct? Correct.
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[05 May 2008|10:31pm] |
No write-up on Eight Belles today as I've been too busy to put all my thoughts in a basket. Working on it though.
In other news, my pony is pretty today. I pulled the rest of her mane so it's even and a LOT shorter but prob will need another go at it to make it not so outrageously thick.
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[03 May 2008|11:03pm] |
expect a fucking huge entry from me tomorrow on Eight Belles. Don't read if you don't want to. Especially if you think I'm a bad person for being a racing enthusiast.
In the meantime, I'm terribly saddened by her death.
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| update |
[27 Apr 2008|11:32pm] |
but not today.
too tired.
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[22 Apr 2008|01:27pm] |
Molly is home. She is in a little burial urn that looks like a casket. It's sealed watertight so I can bury her without worrying (too much). Mom is going to buy me the planter soon and then I can see if Bordine's has my viola or if I have to order it. I cried: sitting in the car willing myself to go in the clinic; getting her ashes; on the way home; at home. Dr. Smaller talked with me for awhile too, and made sure I knew that it was also hard for him and everyone else there, they all loved Mollypop so so much. I brought them some daffodils and a card with a picture of her. I'm going to ask Nate to draw me a picture of her too, 'cause he's a really good artist. I'm going to get a nameplate engraved at Sporthorse or Dover or something with her name and dates so I can affix it to the planter. Sigh. Right now she is on a shelf in the niche in my living room. I have to say the house feels a little less empty, oddly enough. I talked to Mom and realized that when Frankie dies, it won't be this hard for me. I love him too but Molly was my first dog, and Frankie and I don't have quite the level of attachment that Molly and I did.
Anyway.
I took my Bio exam and though I tried to study hard for it, my brain wasn't working. Still think I did fairly well - out of 65 questions I think I got 10-15 wrong. Hopefully. I will probably still get a C or D in the class. Bah.
I have to try to go out to Lynnda's today to pick up my stuff (half chaps, newer boots, newer helmet) 'cause apparently she's abruptly closing the barn! Jann emailed me today to tell me. Weird.
Yeah.
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| every day |
[19 Apr 2008|09:39pm] |
every day it gets a little easier to make it through the day but i still have those moments of lucidity where i remember that she's gone, and it hits hard when it comes. i'm okay when i'm with people, friends, at school and work when others are around. when i'm by myself there's no guarantee. thursday i was in receiving with julie and was fine, quiet, but not crying and not tearing up, until she went on break. i was back there by myself for all of fifteen minutes and probably didn't make it four before i burst into tears. today no bursts, just melancholy and heavy heart; watery eyes a little. it will hurt like fucking hell again when i get the call that she's 'ready' to take home.
just trying to keep myself busy in the meantime.
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| up and down; and Thank You to everyone |
[16 Apr 2008|12:45pm] |
Last night was hard. I took a nap from 1.30-5.30, then hung around the house for a bit with Frankie, called my mom to cry, and went to Petco to get food, a new toy, and biscuits for Frankie. I stopped at Sleven and got myself a disgustingly rich chili cheese dog (Molly would approve?) with a little bit of everything on it. Came home and played with F, called my grandma and cried, called my aunt and cried, and called my mom and cried, while trying to clean up my living room (I actually did get a little bit done). I wrote my stupid final paper for comp and completely bs'ed the whole thing. Tried to go to bed around midnight but it didn't work so I called my mom again and cried. Finally fell asleep close to 1, then woke up at 7 to go feed the ponies. I contemplated going to Bio but didn't. Needed more sleep. So back home I came, went back to sleep, curled up with Frankie. Had a dream where Molly was at my house and I could hear her breathing but I couldn't find her. There was one Frankie in every room but no Molly. I finally found her under my bed and when I said "There you are!" and crawled under to get her, I woke up. It was 9.30am, exactly 24 hours since she went "home." I sobbed for the next half hour, all through my shower and getting ready for school. I feel like I will be looking for her everywhere for the rest of my life. Even yesterday when I was leaving the clinic there was a doggy out back who looked like her when she was young and spry, and that made me cry. I tried to call mom but the bill wasn't paid so the phones were shut off. Once I got here to campus I emailed her about it and she paid to get them turned back on and called me.
I decided I'm going that when I get her ashes I'm going to get a flower and put it in a big big container (so that I can move it with me, as I've established no permanence anywhere) and buy her ashes tin in there underneath it. I found this rose called Our Molly which I love, but it's a UK strain and I don't know if I can get it over here. Mom suggested calling the Detroit Rose Society, so I'll see if there's anyway to get one here. Alternately there is a viola called Irish Molly that I love (that site is out of them but I found a few more that have them). I like the colours of it, they are very Molly-in-summerish, plus there is a viola called Rebecca that I can accent it with.
I really appreciate everyone's extremely kind words and thoughts. It means so much to me that you are all so caring and loving of this doggy you never met. A few people said they would like to donate some dollars to the cost of having her ashes returned to me, and I really appreciate the thought as well. I would never have thought to ask you all for that but if you'd like to, it would be lovely. The cost ended up being $164.30 (I think Dr. Smaller negotiated it a little for me). Please don't feel like you are obligated to or that I'm trying to gouge money out of anyone. If you would like to donate please don't donate more money than you can. If more than the $164.30 is received I will donate the rest in her name to the Michigan Humane Society - Detroit chapter, which is where we got Molly in 1993, where her vets (Dr. Smaller, Dr. Amy and Dr. Cici) were, where she had her surgery in 2005, and where she went "home" yesterday. (If you donate anything please enclose an address so I can send you a thank you note, because it really does mean everything in the world to me that you are so willing to help me take her home). So. here's a button (if it works)
or you can paypal bexbex@gmail.com.
( Molly pictures: )
I will do some memories later, when I can.
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| Molly |
[14 Apr 2008|06:17pm] |
Molly is dying. We are taking her to see Dr. Smaller tomorrow. Right now she is taking a nap beside me in my mom's bed. She can't walk without falling over. She is only half-heartedly eating cheese.
I am broken.
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| holy carp! |
[13 Apr 2008|08:36am] |
i jumped! first time (officially*) since '99!
(xrail, but still...)
*by officially I mean with a trainer/over something bigger than a cavaletti, haha. the last horse I "jumped", Bamba, was at the MSHBF and he would take cavs as jumps, the little freak.
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[02 Apr 2008|12:14pm] |
I really *want* to post a real update... just no time.
Maybe, maybe later tonight, after barn chores. Or tomorrow after work.
Stuff to talk about:
disastrous night at Lindsay's party (sorry to bring it up again, Lindsay! I just need to vent about menfolk), school, ponies, money, Nate, internetz, tiredness, I'm finally almost done being sick, stupid IRS relative to monies, baby pony (ohmygosh so cute), tack, how I need to revamp my journal and start doing tags so I can find shit, eBay, what I think about stupid people, nervous breakdown at work, nervous breakdown at Mom's, and we'll see what else I can dredge up from the recesses of my mind.
I'm sure it'll be a fun time for all!
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[31 Mar 2008|06:31pm] |
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Why oh why must my life be a comedy of errors, not all of which are my own?
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| *commence breakdown* |
[30 Mar 2008|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy |
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...
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.....
......
now.
thanks.
jesusfuckingchristgod.
please, hopehopehopehope that tomorrow is not the shitfest that today was.
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| ladies and boys |
[29 Mar 2008|03:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
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We have a baby horse. filly i think. also non horsey drama at three am, so my favourite.
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